Wednesday, 21 October 2015

Depression or disappointment?

From last May.

So.  It's about a year since I kicked the SSRI's.  I wanted my mind back...and I got it back...then proceeded to fuck myself up in yet more weird and wonderful ways.  Anxiety levels have been creeping back up again and yesterday was bad.  And I've just been a walk in the rain with an inadequate umbrella.

So today is the first time I've thought about dying in some time.  After considerering the method (whilst wondering if this was mere warped fantasy or really suicidal thoughts - does this mean I'm okay?) I decided to use an artisan craftsman to help me on my way.  I'm not going into detail here, but it would be an expensive and stylish death.  I believe in supporting small businesses.  It can be an ethical death, I thought, then wondered if Ecover removes blood stains.

But I can't do this because I have kids, surely?  They desperately need me.  But when you're feeling bad it's almost not enough to change your mind.  It must have a bearing though, I pondered, as I sought to find some comfort.  Music.  Photography? So, self indulgence time.  Though not, I hoped.   The pictures will probably be too private to ever show, but they now exist.  I am calmer.  I look at myself objectly.  I consider the way they'll be processed.  I have achieved a small thing.

I redo my make up.

I feel calmer.

I have had purpose for a short while.

I live.


i left myself,
beneath your skin.
what were you?
who was i then?

i don't know where you are
i don't know where i end
i'm nothing. without you

Nothing without you - Skin