|© Trout Mask|
I've been thinking about writing about the vagaries that constitute motivation for some time...but was worried about running out of steam somehow part way through, or not making it 'good enough' - which of course is a very real risk, but nothing ventured and all that. I guess it all revolves around that old chestnut "what is important" and as a mum I should say something along the lines of 'well, of course, my children always come first'. They may well do - but they also have to do a lot of fitting in too, as that's what life is all about. Striking that balance between not being 'good enough' for their needs and letting them have the space to just get on with it and make their own way.
As they began to get older though, it was with a sense of relief that I picked up the old me and started looking to the longer term again. At first it felt almost childish to be doing things just for myself - a waste of time - but it's the new things I'm learning that gradually seems to be bringing benefits in work, friendships and in fulfilment. Not all the time of course. There's still those days when the bottom lip is firmly stuck out and nothing seems right - I guess they just have to be ridden out.
When I began writing this I was tired and my typing and communication had been hindered by some sort of heavy fog with treacly overtones. The sensible thing would be to go to bed. I did think that an evening in front of the TV might be good - but entertainment seems to be hit & miss (mainly miss) so I stay at the laptop. At times like this I sometimes try to find some solace in my online activities but I'm increasingly left with a feeling of emptiness. They are - after all - trivial. But then my recent face to face activities haven't left me full of the joys of spring either...and I'm left wondering, what is the point? We are merely creatures who took the evolution thing maybe a bit too far one day, and ended up with brains that, lets face it, half the time would be better off not working.
After much tooing and froing I strongly suspect that there is no point...sometimes the scales just fall from your eyes and it's hard to participate anymore. Then you have to accept that rewards do not necessarily arrive commensurate in effort, that one day a friend will turn on you, that you will see others lauded for lacklustre work and that sometimes things just aren't fair. Some people painfully remind you that we are domesticated animals and the rest are just to weary to engage their brains anymore. Your children will continue to frustrate and disappoint you but no one will care for them as much as you. At this point you have to decide whether to take time out, refocus and try harder or just withdraw until you're feeling a bit better.
Today is a good day. Let's see what happens.